image credit: Paul Sancya / Associated Press

Tonight I watched this poor schmuck Levi Johnston on Larry King. Hey, there was nothing else on, okay? For your reading pleasure, I have compiled my offensive, cynical, and jaded thoughts below.

• Levi totally needs to be on either some Prozac or Wellbutrin or something, maybe both. This guy has the flattest affect of anybody I’ve ever seen on TV. Also, I have to roll my eyes when people who have scheduled media interviews then use said media attention to then complain about the constant media attention they receive. Puh-lease.
• When asked where he was when John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate, Levi says that he was out sheep hunting with his dad. Er, sheep hunting? Sheep? Does that require some special skill? Like 20/100 vision?
• According to Sarah Palin, Bristol, the unmarried teenage mom, is busy now with work, school, and, oh yeah, promoting sexual abstinence. Huh? Oh, you mean like how I’m busy with work, school, and promoting alcohol abstinence? I see. Youbetchya.
• Levi’s mom wouldn’t even say whether she was innocent of the drug charges she acquired late last year. Is that weird? However, she did say that if any of us have any questions, we can ask her lawyer, Rhett Rex Butler.
• Apparently Bristol told Levi that he wasn’t allowed to even talk to his own sister for a while because Bristol didn’t like some of the sister’s friends. According to the sister, Mercede (no, that’s not a misspelling — it doesn’t have an S on the end), some of her friends used to date Levi, and Bristol didn’t much like the thought of her man ever having eyes for anyone else. So, she put the kiebash on communication between Levi and his sister. Here’s the worst part: apparently little Levi did as he was told. Who does that? Pathetic.
• Fair warning to you in the lower 48: Levi’s sister wants to be a surgeon in a state other than Alaska.

That’s pretty much it. As you might have guessed, I don’t like the Palins or the Johnstons particularly. This whole debacle is just ridiculous, and it wouldn’t be getting any media attention at all had John McCain chosen someone different (read: worthy) to be his running mate. Having gotten this out of my system, though, now I feel bettah.